Satan's Party Dip

A few days before our big trip out East, we drove up to the Chicago suburbs to attend to my cousin's college graduation party. In preparation for the party, I went with Cuz to get the ingredients for a dip she wanted to make, a dip she called, simply, "beer dip." I followed her through the isles of the Jewel, horrified, as I watched her chuck the ingredients for this dip into our cart: a 24 oz. can of Miller Lite, six (count 'em: six) cartons of Philadelphia cream cheese, a bag of pre-grated mild cheddar cheese, a packet of ranch dressing powder, and a couple bags of barrel-shaped pretzels to dip into the dip. I was afraid.

We got back to her house and she mixed the ingredients together. I watched as the beer bubbled and sizzled amid the coagulating cream cheese. I knew I would not have any of this dip. I vowed I would not. The addition of the bright orange shredded cheese and the dusty packet of ranch powder did nothing to weaken my resolve.

But when Cuz had stirred in just the right amount of Miller Lite to the cream cheese concoction to feel the dip was perfect, she turned to me and asked me to try it and give her my opinion. Okay, I would have one pretzel-tip of dip, just to assist my cousin on the day of her party.

I picked up the pretzel. I dipped. Feeling selfless and full of apprehension, I tasted. I was shocked: it was good. Really good. It was creamy and rich and had a nice little beery bite. Eew, Mikey! I liked it! I had another pretzel-tip full, and another. After ten or twelve beer-dip-laden barrel-shaped pretzels, I decided to stop.

But I could not. For the rest of the fucking party (or at least ‘til the beer dip ran out), I was a slave to that bowl. I kept coming back for more. I ate more cream cheese in one afternoon than I had eaten in the previous six months. I don’t even like cream cheese.

So, this is a warning. Do not make this dip. If you’re at a party and you meet a dip that fits my description, stay away from it. It is pure evil.

(But if you’re ever tempted to make it, say for a party you’re having, I recommend that you try using a really nice, flavorful beer like, say, Bell’s Amber, and freshly grated sharp cheddar. And if you do, please invite me, because I’d be interested to try just a pretzel-full, or maybe two.)