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I floss daily, brush after every meal, and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries.

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Thursday, June 01, 2006

Unconventional Undergarment

Let’s say you are a teacher, and you’ve been at school all afternoon and now have a formal-ish dinner event to attend nearby, and you’ve brought a dress and shoes to change into for the formal-ish event, but then you realize that the dress is rather sheer and you’ve neglected to bring a slip along. And let’s say you make this realization five minutes before you’re supposed to arrive at the event in question. Do you:

A. Say “formal, schmormal” and go, wearing the red capris and pocket t-shirt you’ve been wearing all day.

B. Call your spouse and beg him to rush over with a slip, pronto.

C. Go in the see-through dress, hoping no one will notice the outline of your black underpants against your fishy white thighs.

D. None of the above.

If you are me (and given the fishy white thigh description, I’d say chances are good that you are), the correct answer is D. I am in my office, holding a black patterned vintage dress that is much more sheer than I realized. I put it on, just to check, and sure enough: the contrast of my black drawers with my white flesh is quite observable. I can handle a bra outline, but at an event where students will be present, the panty outline is unthinkable. My response? I'm sure I can find something in this office to craft a makeshift slip out of! I have five minutes. I can do this.

Three minutes into my search, I’m getting desperate. I have rejected an orange plastic bag, a cardigan sweater, and a ream of white paper as possible materials. I have even picked up a single sock and contemplated it for a split second. I am starting to think I might have to give up and actually call my Old Man to rush me a slip when I find an abandoned t-shirt languishing on the back of a dusty bottom shelf. Color: teal with yellow lettering celebrating a fundraising event of yore. Size: large. Status: never worn. I feel a rush of adrenaline. I know I can make this t-shirt work as a slip.

I rip open the neck to make it roughly waist-size, turn it inside out, cut off the tag, and stretch the thing up over my ass. When the dress falls over the t-shirt “slip,” no trace of teal is visible. It looks black. However, the t-shirt’s sleeves are creating a decided poofing effect on each of my hips. I hike the skirt back up and cut off the sleeves of the t-shirt. This solves the poofing problem, but creates a two little gaping spots that reveal white thigh flesh, destroying the whole slip effect. The skirt is again hiked, and I grab my handy Swingline stapler and staple the gaping closed. Skirt falls back down, and from above, all looks fine. Put on shoes, speed to the bathroom, check in the mirror. I definitely look legit.

I attend the event, receiving many compliments on my dress. No one seems to be staring at my hips or my hemline. I do believe that I have pulled this shit off. And wearing an inside-out teal fundraising t-shirt in lieu of a slip has somehow made attending the event much more fun. A supreme MacGyver moment.


Blogger Gurukarm Kaur said...

It's the stapler moment that really did it for me; a true laugh-out-loud at the office, co-workers giving me the raised eyebrow look moment!

Thanks! And we LOVE Macgyver :-)

7:45 AM  
Blogger Orange said...

Option E: Remove the underwear and staple a piece of paper over your groin, loincloth style.

8:20 AM  
Blogger landismom said...

Extremely creative solution!

9:07 AM  
Blogger Dawn said...

That was awesome. Truly.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Esereth said...

People should only ever talk about how super they are in their own blogs if they really really did something deserving of superousness. You have done this. Truly, brag with impunity, you are a brilliant, clever monkey.

2:20 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

Please send that story in to ReadyMade. Bet you'll get a mention.

'cause, you're a reakin' genius.

10:08 AM  
Blogger lildb said...

which I am clearly not. well, maybe just the "reakin'".


10:09 AM  
Blogger E. said...

Maybe you are a genius, lildb, 'cause I kind of liked the "reakin'" - at first I thought you did it on purpose.

Orange, option E is inventive (and so aptly named), but sounds too painful. I'm all for stapling solutions, but not when they involve my skin. It did make me think "if only I'd had my flesh-colored thong that day!" (that is to say, if I had one...)

11:12 AM  
Blogger Brown Baby said...

very good post and thank you for your note, i'm dealing.

8:58 PM  
Blogger alphabitch said...

quite possibly the funniest thing I've read today.

11:34 AM  
Blogger E. said...

Thanks, Alphabitch. That means a lot coming from someone with such an excellent alias.

Hope you're feeling better soon, Brown Baby.

2:16 PM  
Blogger Suzanne said...

That is some very impressive wardrobe salvaging!

Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day -- you have a nice place here yourself.

5:34 PM  
Blogger Mrs. T said...

That is such a funny story-people who do not teach can't imagine the stress of such a situation. When I wear pants I bet I check my zipper like 20 times a day. Once I wore this really cute denim wrap skirt. I was standing up (luckily behind my desk) and I could feel the knot start to come undone. I had to totally change my lesson plan and sit down and give them some seatwork because they "needed more practice". And so I could re-tie my skirt.

9:14 PM  
Blogger E. said...

So true. I check and recheck my zipper during the school day, and outside of school I never worry about my fly. There's something about working with kids that makes preventing all wardrobe malfuntions seem vital.

7:23 AM  

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