Death and Toothpaste

Lately O. has been working on getting a basic handle on the concept of death. He’s known the word “die” for awhile, but only as it concerns birds and ladybugs. But recently he wondered where his adolescent cousin JD’s mama is, and I had to tell him that she died when JD was a little boy. The idea that a kid’s mama could die has understandably made the whole concept of death more pressing for O.

O. and I spend a lot of time with JD. As it happens, I’m the person who keeps track of his dental appointments and takes him to the dentist, often with O. in tow. A cavity-prone kid who brushes his teeth reluctantly, JD gets a lot of cavities, and I must cop to the fact that I use him as a cautionary example to O. sometimes when he fusses about brushing his teeth. O. often asks me to re-explain why JD’s mama died, and lately he almost always wants to talk about her with JD when we see him. (Luckily, JD doesn’t mind talking to O. about this somber subject. He’s very open about his ongoing grief over the loss of his mom.) But recently he made a weird jump of logic and began to worry about JD. The conversation went like this: “Mama, why does JD get cavities?” “Because sometimes he doesn’t brush his teeth when he should.” “Is JD gonna die soon from getting cavities?” “No, honey, people don’t die from cavities.” (At least I’ve never heard of such a case. Correct me if I’m overlooking some sensationalist dental story in recent news.)

For some reason, O’s concern about JD’s cavities and their potentially lethal effect really struck me. It was funny at the time because the idea is so improbable. But it’s also quite poignant in all sorts of ways. The very fact that my little boy is thinking so much about death and trying to wrap his mind around losing someone he loves breaks my heart. I think it must for every parent, seeing their baby come in contact with the most difficult reality of human life. And the fact that right now it seems to him like any number of relatively harmless things might plausibly cause death, and he feels like he needs to ask to find out, that’s really sad. It’s also just sweet that he’s worried about JD's wellbeing.

It occurs to me that, while I know JD won’t die of his cavities, I worry quite a bit about the deplorable state of his teeth, and feel helpless that I can’t do more to keep them healthy. His dad (my uncle by marriage) comes from a whole different culture than me, oral-hygiene-wise, and it’s hard to get him on board with my campaign to keep JD’s teeth healthy when his own teeth are literally falling out of his head from neglect. So, while O’s question about cavities and death seems funny and out of left field, I wonder if he might not be picking up on a deeper concern I have about JD and his teeth.

But all I can do is continue to bug JD to brush often and well, and keep taking him for regular visits to the dentist. And, of course, witness the good news of the faith of oral hygiene to my own kid.