Best Ass in the Midwest, Three Years Running

Dear Reader:

After years of silently hating it, I am coming out against “Best.” Not the adjective in general, not the very notion of a superlative. More specifically, I am coming out against “best” used as a closing formalism in an email or, God forbid, an actual letter. As in:

Dear Dr. Bejerkejerk:

Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Best,
Richard Ditherdick

As far as I can tell, “best” originated in academia eight years ago or so and has more or less remained confined there until recently, used in emails to and from people who either have PhDs or are in the process of trying to get one. Lately, though, I have noticed it spreading, being used by normal people, people who are neither professors nor grad students. I’ve even seen it used in an actual letter rather than just in an email.

But why, you may ask, do I hate “best”? What’s so wrong with this innocuous-seeming closer? First, let me say that I do not hate people who use “best.” I scorn the sin, not the sinner. But I hate “best” because it says absolutely nothing yet seems weirdly smug. It attempts to be jaunty and convivial but is really just completely noncommittal. It says “I want to seem friendly, but I don’t want to risk actually saying something friendly. Best…!”

It’s an intensifier, an adjective, meaningless in itself. It’s the result of some academic somewhere thinking he or she is too damn hip or poststructuralist to say something as fusty as “Best Regards.” But you know what? If you’re going to shorten a perfectly good closing formalism like “Best regards,” you’ve got to keep the meat, not the ketchup. It is a bit cool to send regards without specifying what kind of regards you’re sending, sure, but I’ll take nonspecific “regards” any day over an adjective that modifies nothing.

So from here on in, when someone “bests” me, I am going to take it upon myself to add the missing bit of meaning. I will amuse myself by assuming that whoever is offering me a nonspecific “best” is using it as shorthand for “Best friends forever.” Or maybe “Best in show,” depending on the context.

A few other things someone who closes with “best” might be misconstrued as saying:

Best not to ask,
Best of luck with that scrofulous rash,
Best way to avoid crabs? Stay away from me,
Best if we never speak or correspond again,
Best Western, Room 114, 5:00 PM Friday,

So now you’ve been warned. Use “best” with caution, or maybe just use it followed closely by a noun. Or, better yet, find a specific closer that really communicates something, like seven-year-old Kiyomi's excellent and quite meaningful sign-off to George W. Bush. The world will be a tiny bit better for your efforts.


Best regards,
E.