Oral Hygiene Queen

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Location: Midwest, United States

I floss daily, brush after every meal, and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries.

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

An Open Letter to Victoria's Secret

Dear Victoria's Secret,

Please go back to making comfortable cotton bikini undies that cover a woman's butt cheeks.

Last summer when I came in for my yearly purchase of new cotton bikinis, I discovered - to my horror - that you had changed the edging along the leg holes and that they no longer covered my butt. Instead, they climbed bit by bit up into my crack as I walked.

Despite the fact that I hate your catalogue and your ads, and despite the fact that I'm uninterested in 99% of your merchandise, I am a loyal customer. For nearly twenty years - twenty years! - I counted on the quality of VS cotton bikinis to cover my butt cheeks and not crawl into my crack. Now, you've changed them and made them just like every other pair of cheap panties out there.

And so, for the past two years, I've been on a sisyphean search for a decent pair of underpants. I've tried numerous different boyshorts that look hot as hell but lack the elastic edge to keep them from crawling into my butt crack. I've confronted and been driven from racks of bikinis sporting silver and teal zebra stripes, proclaiming their affinity for happy hour, or cracking wise about a would-be seducer's chances with the wearer. I've attempted nylon-spandex blends and been reminded of why I began buying cotton undies in the first place. I've tried Hanes cotton briefs that are pretty damned comfortable and cover my ass, but that veer a little too close to the shape of granny panties and only seem to come in atrocious colors.

I want cute undies, but first and foremost I want comfortable undies that I don't have to pull out of my butt crack all day long. I'd rather buy fugly Hanes and be comfortable than buy your new and disimproved panties and be uncomfortable.

Please return to making panties that stay put (like the panties of roughly 1990 to 2008). I'll never buy another bra from you if you don't, because I really come in for the panties. (And I'm getting pretty tired of having your name on so many of my bra straps, anyway.)

Let me know if you return to your former glory, panty-wise.


Tuesday, August 03, 2010


Whoever said that potty training is easier with girls can kiss my ass.

(I'll bet it was the same person that said that your labor comes early with your second pregnancy. I believed that shit, watching my due date approach and fade into the distance, growing bigger and hotter every early September minute.)

At first, it seemed like things would be easier with Roo. When her brother O. was a toddler, he dutifully sat down and peed on the potty his first experimental try at 18 months, but after that wouldn't go near the thing again 'til he was fully three. Once he decided he wanted to go for the big boy undies, however, he never looked back. He never once had an accident. (Okay, never once 'til he got cocky at age five, held it too long, and peed his pants in the back yard.)

Roo started showing a sincere interest in the potty in April, at the tender age of two-and-a-half. By May, she was in pull-ups and peeing exclusively in the potty. (Let me pause here to say that I never used the word "potty" before I had kids, and I fully intend to scrub it from my vocabulary as soon as Roo is using the big toilet full-time. As the daughter of a man who used "potty" as both a verb and a noun well into his fifties, I must announce this resolution to anyone who will listen.) In June the big moment came: poop in the potty. We celebrated and moved her into undies. Everything was awesome. Girls are easier!, I thought to myself.

Not so fast.

After a few successful poops in the potty, the first red flag: Roo shit her undies. What the hell? I was at a loss. I had never experienced this with O., but I figured that accidents happen. I threw out the poopified undies and considered it a fluke. Then it happened again. And again. And again!

As truly horrifying as it is to clean up, you can't really yell at a little kid for shitting her pants, nor can you punish her. We just went back to pull-ups and figured the poop part would work itself out if we continued to encourage her. Which we did. We even let her wear undies once in awhile when we were reasonably sure a poop wasn't imminent.

Then, a couple weeks ago, she started peeing in her undies.

Shit! I mean piss. I mean shit and piss! Fuck.

Part of me was tempted to see this as a case of parental error. We just started her too early. Except we followed her cues. And she did great for weeks.

Now I see it as an issue of control. The potty drama of the past few weeks has been accompanied by bed time drama. Our little girl, who we successfully trained to be an easy and solid sleeper, has started playing crazy-making games at nap time and bed time. Since she was a baby, she's been a snap to put to bed. Lately, though, it's taking my Old Man and/or me 45 minutes to an hour, with lots of negotiating, to get her down to sleep. Hit me with whatever advice you will, but know that we have tried letting her cry it out. She's mobile and tenacious and talented. She will not be kept down.

So, I think it's a control thing. She doesn't have a whole lot of power in her little world, but she can control where she pees and poops, and (to an amazing extent) whether and when she sleeps.

She's back in pull-ups full time now, and we're just letting her use the potty when and if she wants. Hopefully if she gets the idea that we don't really care that much whether she uses it, she'll start to want to use it again.

As far as bed time goes, wish us luck. I just hope this toddler weather blows over before school starts in two weeks.