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I floss daily, brush after every meal, and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries.

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

An Open Letter to Victoria's Secret

Dear Victoria's Secret,

Please go back to making comfortable cotton bikini undies that cover a woman's butt cheeks.

Last summer when I came in for my yearly purchase of new cotton bikinis, I discovered - to my horror - that you had changed the edging along the leg holes and that they no longer covered my butt. Instead, they climbed bit by bit up into my crack as I walked.

Despite the fact that I hate your catalogue and your ads, and despite the fact that I'm uninterested in 99% of your merchandise, I am a loyal customer. For nearly twenty years - twenty years! - I counted on the quality of VS cotton bikinis to cover my butt cheeks and not crawl into my crack. Now, you've changed them and made them just like every other pair of cheap panties out there.

And so, for the past two years, I've been on a sisyphean search for a decent pair of underpants. I've tried numerous different boyshorts that look hot as hell but lack the elastic edge to keep them from crawling into my butt crack. I've confronted and been driven from racks of bikinis sporting silver and teal zebra stripes, proclaiming their affinity for happy hour, or cracking wise about a would-be seducer's chances with the wearer. I've attempted nylon-spandex blends and been reminded of why I began buying cotton undies in the first place. I've tried Hanes cotton briefs that are pretty damned comfortable and cover my ass, but that veer a little too close to the shape of granny panties and only seem to come in atrocious colors.

I want cute undies, but first and foremost I want comfortable undies that I don't have to pull out of my butt crack all day long. I'd rather buy fugly Hanes and be comfortable than buy your new and disimproved panties and be uncomfortable.

Please return to making panties that stay put (like the panties of roughly 1990 to 2008). I'll never buy another bra from you if you don't, because I really come in for the panties. (And I'm getting pretty tired of having your name on so many of my bra straps, anyway.)

Let me know if you return to your former glory, panty-wise.



Blogger Orange said...

VS bras suck.

I recently started buying Gap "ultra-low-rise" (not really freakishly low) cotton bikinis. The color choices leave a bit to be desired, but they don't crawl and they don't peek out above my pants.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Shelby said...

I hate the new style of bikini underwear! I am not the type of person that likes their butt to hang out of my underwear!

1:05 AM  
Anonymous DoctorMama said...

But 20 years is quite a run. I had no idea they were that consistent. And hey, your butt must have stayed consistent too -- which is good, right?

(You know how you are about the word "potty"? That's me about "panties." Makes me think of "ladies.")

What I really really want: pretty, slim-fitting bloomers with no spandex. The closest I've come are split slips, which are awesome under dresses in the summertime, but bunchy under pants.

Sigh. The tragedy of women's underwear ... actually boys' too -- my son is allergic to elastic AND is a size 2 in the hips. The only option was the Gerber toddler underpants, and that seemed risky at school -- Gerber baby on the tag and all. I had to resort to buying some Japanese underwear on ebay -- I guess boys in Japan have skinny butts too?

I used to do thongs, but it was too hard to find ones that were just the right shape to not wedge.

9:20 AM  
Blogger E. said...

Yeah, I hate the word "panties," too. Note that the above post holds off on using it 'til the very end. (But then I did give you a small flood of the dreaded word. Sorry about that.)

Orange, I'll try the Gap. I've thought about it, but haven't gotten there yet. I also haven't tried thongs yet. I just can't imagine finding them comfortable, and there's something aesthetically creepy about them. Maybe I watched too many rap videos in the mid-nineties.

10:54 AM  
Anonymous Restroom Supplies said...

Moe and more teenagers and women are becomming interested in this type of underwear. They are basically changing their market and not appealing to the older more comfortable women. These underwear are very unsanitary as well.

11:55 AM  
Anonymous Kristi said...

Have you checked out the modern brief by Jockey? No Panty Line Promise®Tactel®Modern Brief are ones I really like. I am so glad to read your post about VS undies. I thought it was just how my body has changed.

6:09 PM  
Anonymous personal care products said...

I think VS makes undies nowadays that are meant to be 'taken off' lol.
There can be ones that are comfy though. Just don't choose the thong ones. Personally i prefer the boy-cut style comfort and style wise.

10:07 PM  

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