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Location: Midwest, United States

I floss daily, brush after every meal, and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries.

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Watch your Ass, Pumpkin Thief!

Someone stole our pumpkins! My Old Man and I actually got it together to pack both O. and newborn Roo into the car for a family outing to the local apple and pumpkin orchard to buy a peck of braeburns and a couple of pumpkins. We put the pumpkins out on our porch to await their disfiguration, and that very night, some lowlife motherfucker stole them. I was irate, as was the Old Man. Who could sneak onto a porch, skulk past a little bike with training wheels and a stroller, and still go through with their dastardly pumpkin-stealing plan? “If they’d actually smashed them,” my man reasoned, “I could forgive it. At least then it would be destruction in the spirit of Halloween mischief.” (His own record of juvenile delinquency gives him a perspective I lack.) “But this is just craven larceny.”

Ah, well. O. and the Old Man picked up a couple of new pumpkins at the local supermarket chain, and a couple of nights ago they carved them into two excellent jack-o-lanterns, one of which O. designed himself on a construction paper prototype.


The thought of anyone coming in the night and stealing or in any way fucking with my guys’ pumpkins made me seethe with anticipatory anger. But what could we do? My Old Man came up with a plan to take the jack-o-lanterns in before he headed up for bed and then put them back out in the light of day. It’s sad that we’d have to even think of such a thing, but the wide-eyed holiday spirit of a four-year-old boy is at stake here. O. didn’t see the need for such precautions. “If they come up on the porch, they’ll see our pumpkins’ scary faces and run away,” he said, with a hint of duh! in his tone. We took the pumpkins in for the night anyway.

Before I leave you this Halloween day, let me share with you my favorite synonym for jack-o-lantern: “pumpkin moonshine” (as immortalized in Tasha Tudor’s 1938 children’s book of the same name). So, kids – go out and get all the candy you can tonight. And adults, better get you some of that pumpkin moonshine (however you understand the term).


Blogger Orange said...

Mr. Tangerine and Ben carved two jack-o-lanterns this weekend. They bided their time in the kitchen until lunchtime today, when I put them out on the front stoop. An hour and a half later, when I went to pick Ben up from school, one eye socket had been chewed out by a squirrel (and Mr. Tangerine had begged me to wait 'til dusk—our neighborhood squirrels are felonious punks). Later on, one pumpkin lid had gone missing. Guess the bucktoothed bastards need their vitamin A, too.

5:47 PM  
Blogger Feral Mom said...

Pumpkin thieves suck! I did, however, enjoy imagining your Old Man's rant.

9:10 PM  
Blogger Rockycat said...

It's amazing what people will steal. One year, I put flags in my front lawn for the fourth of July, and within an hour, someone had stolen them. Patriotic thieves ...... sigh.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Candy Rant said...

People suck.

Loved O's "duh" moment. :)

5:15 PM  
Blogger Mrs. T said...

There is a special place in hell for pumpkin thieves.
This year the squirrels thought the pumpkins on our porch were part of their own personal buffet and took several big nibbles out of each pumpkin. Assholes.
I wouldn't mind if they smashed the jack o lanterns AFTER Halloween or at at least after trick or treat. I'm such a dork, though, I have the candles in these little glass dishes and I'm more worried about them being destroyed.

4:46 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Sorry about the pumpkin thief - but, like Feral Mom, I got a good mental picture of the Old Man ranting. He's quite the ranter when he gets going. :)

You have to check out this blog - - scroll down to see her Halloween costume. It really brought me back to the good ol' days.

7:19 AM  
Blogger Orange said...

Come and see my before-and-after pumpkin pix. When Jack O. Lantern gets a meth habit, bad things happen.

10:10 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I saw a great story on the news last night about a woman who runs an animal rescue farm. She was asking for donations of pumpkins as a treat for the animals! Aw! I thought it was really cool...we didn't even carve ours so I just may take them to the drop off spot.

I'm glad they didn't steal your carved ones, but it's still rotten. I do always hope someone will smash mine because it sounds so fun...but not before Halloween and not if they've been lovingly carved.

1:47 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

Part of my childhood includes a smashed pumpkin, and I have to say that it was probably the most traumatic Halloween of my life. I was little and LOVED my pumpkin. Seeing it in the street in pieces was too much for me.

From that year on, we lit it on the inside and stuck in in the window.

Be happy yours might have been smashed outside of your son's view. Or else he would have therapy in his future.

8:21 PM  

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