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I floss daily, brush after every meal, and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries.

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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Piss on Pat Robertson’s Bible

My beloved husband had his first dental checkup in a year and a half today, only because I bugged him and bugged him and finally called and made the appointment for him. He’s had four dental checkups in his adult life, all at my urging. I am happy to report that he received a completely clean bill of oral health, with minimal plaque scraping. I admit that I am also a little jealous. He’s one of these people who never gets a cavity. Granted, he takes very good care of his teeth (he lives with me, so he kind of has to), but I visit the dentist twice yearly with a devotion that matches my dear departed grandmother’s daily trips to morning mass, and brush and floss with attendant zeal, and still every so often I turn up with a cavity. This is like a little death to me (and not the fun Renaissance kind of little death). And once you have a cavity filled, it’s only a matter of time before it breaks or falls out or gets loose, so one cavity could lead to any number of visits under the drill. Generally my semi-annual visit to the dentist is pleasant, and even kind of an ego boost. But every once in awhile, there’s bad news.

This actually rarely happens anymore. I’m what they call cavity-prone, but even cavity-prone folks usually stop getting cavities at some point during adulthood, provided that they take good care of their teeth. But I do so envy those lucky ones among us who never get cavities even when they take fairly indifferent care of their teeth and rarely visit the dentist. Still, I am happy for my dear and his good teeth. And I can only hope that O. has inherited them.

On another note entirely, I am currently teaching a gender studies class, and today we were discussing common misperceptions about feminists. I mentioned Pat Robertson’s famously insane comment that feminism is a “socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians,” and the whole class laughed in an implicit consensus that the old man is a raving loon. One of my male students, a good guy with a healthy contrarian streak, suggested that Robertson might have been joking, since we didn’t know the context of his remark. I respect the impulse to investigate the context of a quotation, but given Pat Robertson’s track record , I don’t think he really merits the benefit of the doubt. (Even still, I did some research after class. The quotation came from a fundraising letter Robertson wrote in 1992 on behalf of the Iowa Committee to Stop the ERA.) At any rate, when I shared my student's “maybe Robertson was joking” comment with my husband, he snorted. “Pat Robertson is incapable of an ironic remark,” he said. “He wouldn’t know irony if it came up and pissed on his Bible.”

The image of irony personified sidling up to Pat Roberston and taking a leak on his Bible made my day, and I was already having a pretty good day.

6 Comments:

Blogger naive-no-more said...

I'm not even gonna waste my time commenting on Pat Robertson, but I will suggest some sealants for those pearly whites. Especially if you are cavity prone.

8:46 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

You are changing the world, one satan-ballsack-smelling tongue at a time: I bought myself a tongue scraper the other day, and have used it!! No, I wasn't stupid enough to smell it. :) But I am super stoked.

Links are easy-peasy... email me. boredhousewife at cdadirect dot com

(does that make it look like I'm desperate to be linked by you...? if so, i apologize.)

1:16 PM  
Blogger E. said...

Congratulations on your tongue scraper, Lisa! We are a small but proud band (with better-than-average-smelling breath). Yes, don't smell the tongue smeg. I smelled it so you don't have to.

Well, I'm desperate to link you, so I will gladly email you. And then later I'll be bugging you about how to post pictures...

2:26 PM  
Blogger Orange said...

Get your husband on a regular schedule. My husband has gone 39 years without a cavity—I think he must have a high mineral concentration in his saliva—so he got out of the habit of going to the dentist. After skipping it for years, though, when he finally starting going again, he had the early stages of gum disease.

I'd hoped our son would inherit the magical cavity-preventive saliva, but alas, he has his first cavities and he's not even 6 yet. I have failed!

8:09 PM  
Blogger angel of god said...

Ah, Orange, ye've not failed. God made baby teeth so that children and parents could practice their oral hygiene regime 'til they get it right. By the time yer bairn has his adult teeth, ye'll have him fully trained.

God wants ye all te know that bein' cavity-prone is no sin. 'Tis just another o' God's meanin'ful but mysterious life tests.

8:19 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

That quote from M. made my day too - partly because I can hear the exact sardonic tone in which he probably said it. A. and I were reminiscing about one of his more memorable tirades just last night: the Radio Maria Menu Tirade. We miss you guys...

2:10 PM  

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