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Location: Midwest, United States

I floss daily, brush after every meal, and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries.

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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Another Disgusting Thing I Do in the Name of Staying Clean and Sweet Smelling

This is a confession. My name is Oral Hygiene Queen (“Hi Oral Hygiene Queen!”), and I do unspeakable things in my bathroom. Yeah, I’ve admitted to flossing in public, but I do some much worse shit when I’m alone in what my husband and I euphemistically refer to as “the small room.” One of those things is cleaning my tongue.

Tongues need to be cleaned. I have a special instrument for the purpose, which looks like a small plastic tennis racket with no catgut. You brush your tongue a bit with a wet, pasteless toothbrush, and then stick the tongue out and scrape this device over it from front to back. It collects a thick, gummy substance akin to toe jam or smegma, which you then rinse down the sink. Repeat ‘til the tongue scraper comes up clean, or ‘til your tongue starts smarting like a sonofabitch (which for me usually happens after two scrapes). The tongue scum is off-white (unless of course you’ve been eating something especially rich in hue like chocolate or beets), and it smells like the matted hair under Satan’s scrotum. I’ve only smelled it once, out of a perverse curiosity (what did I expect it to smell like, a garden in spring?), but it was really an unhallowed odor. Actually, it smelled like the foul breath of an adult human, in a very concentrated form. And smelling it made me think “Damn! It’s a good thing I’m doing this!” and made me resolve to do it more regularly.

Supposedly, in addition to preventing bad breath, regular tongue scraping also reduces periodontal disease and tooth decay, and according to one ad I came across, it’s “700% more effective than tongue brushing” and “reduces bacteria that cause sore throats.” (I have no idea whether these claims have any merit, but I'll vouch for the fact that the thing takes the smell of Satan's ballsack off your tongue, a smell that can be so very incriminating.)

So, skip the minty-fresh breath strips and get yourself a tongue scraper. Doesn’t it sound like fun?


Blogger naive-no-more said...

I stumbled onto your blog by clicking "next blog" in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. I'm certain it wasn't just the weariness, but I found your blog hilarious. For getting "sucked" into blogging, you sure are a natural.

Keep it up.

9:00 PM  
Blogger Feral Mom said...

Actually, it sounds kinda gross, but I'll take your word for it. Best descriptor EVAH: "Matted hair under Satan's ballsack." Tell Satan to scrape under there, would ya?

12:46 PM  
Blogger E. said...

Hey, thanks naive-no-more! I hope my description of tongue scraping didn't give you nightmares once you did get to sleep.

Feral mom, what greater compliment could you give me than to tell me that I said something you find gross? Now you've got me wondering whether a tongue scraper could be used for ballsack hygiene, and how much that would hurt. I guess I'll never know, since I have sack only in the metaphorical sense.

9:48 PM  
Blogger Orange said...

I'm with Her Feralness—that description is mighty visceral.

9:01 AM  

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