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Location: Midwest, United States

I floss daily, brush after every meal, and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries.

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Monday, February 20, 2006

Whither Pearl Drops?

Whatever happened to “Pearl Drops Tooth Polish”? Remember that commercial, with the maniacally happy sunny blond Scandinavian-looking woman with the breathy voice and an enthusiasm for suggestive tooth-licking? “Mmmm… It’s a great feel-ing!” I was a kid when this commercial was in heavy rotation, but I could tell that when she slowly ran her tongue over her big white front teeth it was sexual. And I also had an idea that someday, when I was old enough, I was going to try Pearl Drops Tooth Polish and see what all the fuss was about. Like it was a for-grownups-only toothpaste (tooth polish). But by the time I was an adult, the stuff seemed to have disappeared. Or maybe, like the holy grail of the cult of Tab, it’s still out there, but only for the very determined consumer.

Actually, this seems to be the case. Although Pearl Drops no longer advertises, a Google search reveals that the stuff is still available. The first hit I got for “Pearl Drops Tooth Polish” led me to a site called “Buy in Private,” which has a special sidebar link (alongside “Diet,” “Skincare,” and “Nifty Gifts”) entitled simply "Embarrassing". Here you can buy “embarrassing” products like Midol, Preparation H, the Hitatchi magic wand vibrator, “Coochy Shave Extra Gentle Shave Lotion for Sensitive Areas,” and my old pal the tongue cleaner. They even consider “Eyebrow Pluckin’ Tweezers” potentially embarrassing. (Maybe it’s the gratuitous dropped G that’s makin' them feel chagrin.)

I myself would be proud to be seen buying a Hitatchi magic wand (woo hoo!), Midol (it’s legal, unlike some other substances I’ve used to quell menstrual pain), Preparation H (some of the most charming people I know suffer from hemorrhoids), or "Cootchy Shave" (if I bothered to shave my coochie, I’d be damn proud to be using the most gentle shave lotion I could get my shaky little hands on).

Needless to say, I buy my tongue cleaners with the utmost pride.


Blogger clew said...

Hi E! I am snooping over here because I saw you on my buddy Naive-no-more's blog. I wanted to tell you I scrape my tongue too. (This is a comment on a precious post, really, but I wanted to make sure you saw it :D) My tongue scraper is green. Not because of my tongue - it's just made that way.

I totally remember Pearl Drops. I even remember the way it tasted! I used to sneak my Dad's Pearl Drops ... I thought I was pretty grown up using an adult toothpaste.

Did that site sell Premsyn PMS? That stuff was great ....

6:02 AM  
Blogger clew said...

oops ... nevermind on the previous post reference ... tongue scrapers referenced here too (blush).

6:03 AM  
Blogger naive-no-more said...

I'm not sure a tooth paste (even Pearl Drops) from the early 80's could hold a candle to the stuff out there now, probably rot your tongue or something and you wouldn't be able to use your tongue scraper for weeks.

And as far as the cootchy gel, any shave gel works. Was that too much information? HA

8:12 AM  
Blogger ace said...

is this Esue? in KC? friends with Kevin and Latonya Still, Esue?

I am confused. IF so, this isn't your real or first blog, right.

IF no, I will walk away quietly.

8:13 AM  
Blogger E. said...

Hey, clew! Nice to meet a fellow tongue scraper. Mine is green, too, and currently it matches my toothbrush (though this is just a coincidence).

There's no such thing as too much information on this blog, naive-no-more. I am, after all, a huge fan of Gone Feral (gonecompletelyferal at blogspot), where too much information is the order of the day. And I'm not currently a cootchie shaver, but you never know...

Ace, I'm not Esue. I do have a friend named Kevin, but KC is not my part of the Midwest, so it's probably a different Kevin. Thanks for stopping by anyway.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Orange said...

Um, soap seems to work just fine for coochie shaving. Although I nicked my C-section scar this morning, so maybe I need some o' that Coochy Shave product.

If you're getting a Hitachi Magic Wand or similar product, don't shop from that full-of-shame website. Go to flea's store, the Honeysuckle Shop.

8:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness...don't shave "down there" -- WAX! It really doesn't hurt...just like pulling a bandaid off of your arm or leg together with some hair. Just make sure your skin is taught and rip away. Waxing lasts SO much longer and doesn't grow back all itchy. It actually hurts more to wax your upper lip. (Geez -- sounds like I'm covered with hair...!)

5:18 PM  
Blogger HUH? said...

How did we get into waxing and tounge scrapers? Thought this was about Pearl Drops Tooth Polish.
Anyone remember the spearmint version?
Can't seem to find the original. Anyone able to buy it? If so what store?

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

9:32 AM  

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