Whither Pearl Drops?

Whatever happened to “Pearl Drops Tooth Polish”? Remember that commercial, with the maniacally happy sunny blond Scandinavian-looking woman with the breathy voice and an enthusiasm for suggestive tooth-licking? “Mmmm… It’s a great feel-ing!” I was a kid when this commercial was in heavy rotation, but I could tell that when she slowly ran her tongue over her big white front teeth it was sexual. And I also had an idea that someday, when I was old enough, I was going to try Pearl Drops Tooth Polish and see what all the fuss was about. Like it was a for-grownups-only toothpaste (tooth polish). But by the time I was an adult, the stuff seemed to have disappeared. Or maybe, like the holy grail of the cult of Tab, it’s still out there, but only for the very determined consumer.

Actually, this seems to be the case. Although Pearl Drops no longer advertises, a Google search reveals that the stuff is still available. The first hit I got for “Pearl Drops Tooth Polish” led me to a site called “Buy in Private,” which has a special sidebar link (alongside “Diet,” “Skincare,” and “Nifty Gifts”) entitled simply "Embarrassing". Here you can buy “embarrassing” products like Midol, Preparation H, the Hitatchi magic wand vibrator, “Coochy Shave Extra Gentle Shave Lotion for Sensitive Areas,” and my old pal the tongue cleaner. They even consider “Eyebrow Pluckin’ Tweezers” potentially embarrassing. (Maybe it’s the gratuitous dropped G that’s makin' them feel chagrin.)

I myself would be proud to be seen buying a Hitatchi magic wand (woo hoo!), Midol (it’s legal, unlike some other substances I’ve used to quell menstrual pain), Preparation H (some of the most charming people I know suffer from hemorrhoids), or "Cootchy Shave" (if I bothered to shave my coochie, I’d be damn proud to be using the most gentle shave lotion I could get my shaky little hands on).

Needless to say, I buy my tongue cleaners with the utmost pride.